I'm beginning to feel incredibly unsociable in my life.
Between simmering with unjustified resent for fellow students and only leaving the house for journeys to classes, the corner shop or (rarely) out of this city, I realise that I focus very little effort on actually being "sociable."
To be frank, I have little desire to make any new friends out of students, since my focus is just on passing my exams and fucking off out of this student bubble. The version of being social that I envisage is hampered by two factors, the first of which involves my equating of socialising with (a degree of) alcohol consumption- I've given up alcohol in my first ever real attempt at Lent, not that I was a heavy drinker or anything. I can hack going to the pub and not drinking, as I have done on merely a handful of occasions even before Lent, but as far as bars and (my currently unfavoured location) clubs are concerned, being there without alcoholic beverage in hand is just a no-no.
The second factor, as ever, concerns money, in that it is not fiscally viable for me to justify any regular expenditure on reaching inebriation, or even just having a light tipple. It's a convenient excuse I suppose, but when I realise that on a typical night out, I would spend as much as I do during my
fortnightly food shop at Leeds city centre's market hall, I suddenly don't feel so bad for it. In addition to this, in choosing not to have a job this semester in order to concentrate on my work, I have even less means by which to socialise in that sense. It's not even just about being able to go out to drink either, as even regular trips to restaurants and the cinema are a big ask out of my bank balance.
I guess I'm a little annoyed at me for allowing my lifestyle to come to this, though choosing to do a joint honours language degree was always going to require a bit more of my time, and not having any money saved prior to each semester was always going to be a factor.
But then I do spend hours talking into the twilight hours with my housemates, in a way which simply would not be possible elsewhere. And I am not bound by the need to be out for it's own sake. I'm quite happy within my four walls, admitting and dismissing people at pleasure.
I can't honestly say that I miss that lifestyle from three years ago, but I do miss having the freedom to choose to do it.
Then again, I much prefer defining socialising on my own terms, in an environment where I can actually interact with a person I wish to talk to, as opposed to barely being able to hear them in conversation in a noisy environment.
Suddenly, the popular definition of being "sociable" has become dubious.
-Chokobo-
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