Palpitations galore.

So, I intended to have an early night tonight and within half an hour of closing my eyes, I jolt awake and am greeted with palpitations. Only God knows why I suddenly had a feeling of anxiety. I've had no obligations this week whatsoever, in fact, it could not have been a more counter-productive/non-eventful week, with the exception of my 7 hour stint at the pub on Tuesday, but that was purely down to catching up with an old friend who I hadn't properly spoken to in 2 years...

I've attempted to re-arrange my room in attempt to try and distract myself since it was kind of getting messy and have opened my windows to let some much needed cold (and disputably "fresh") air in.

I'm wondering if it is anything to do with the fact that my second and final semester of my life- in theory- starts this coming Monday and I'm beginning to think more and more about what the fuck is going to happen beyond graduation day.

I can't really suppress the thought of it, and I am worried about what my classification will end up being. I've been trying not to think about it too much, but I had the misfortune of a certain somebody reminding me that I haven't done as well as I ought to have done in my time here- you know who you are. 

I am hoping for some type of wondrous miracle this semester so I can prove to myself I'm not a complete retard, and that I will in turn not be condemned to a life of menial jobs.

Pointless worrying about that now though, I need to get through the rest of today yet.

I'm hoping not to waste today, as I have done the rest of the week. I need to stop regretting this though, since spending time regretting shit is what I've been doing for 3 and a bit years.

It's time to move on and make do with what I have.

Lord knows I can't ask for any time back.

Chokobo | チョコボ

Making the most of having fuck all to do

I would just like to point out how utterly wonderful and liberating it is to not have to do a single thing in the world. After a summer of working sixty-hour weeks for a bunch of heartless wankers (the parents, not the children), wiping kids' arses and cleaning toilets, there's a certain joy to be had in knowing that, for a few weeks at least, there is nothing pressing to be done. Of course, I could start revising some Japanese or reading the texts I'm studying this year, and I really should find some kind of job, but for now I am utterly content just to stay in bed until the early afternoon reading books, or taking two-hour baths surrounded by candles and bubbles, or catching up with all my friends that I was so cruelly separated from for five months. With a fridge stocked by the purse of Mama and Papa, and almost enough money left in my overdraft until the loan comes through, life is good.

I'm also feeling way more positive and optimistic than I was, say, six months ago. I think the time in France away from everything gave me a chance to sort out a lot of the built-up, unnecessary anger and frustration I had inside me (it really was unnecessary). Also, being in a situation where I never knew what was going to happen in the next 15 minutes (let alone the next couple of days!) and moving house and job at least three times has made me waaaay more relaxed than I was. This is a very good thing, especially for counteracting my inner (or not-so-inner) control freak. Dare I say it, I may have even become a little bit more mature! So, despite the rather large amounts of crappiness that I had to put up with as part of my au pair job and the three months in Pau-gatory, I would say that all in all France was a success for me, personally if not financially! And now I can hopefully chill the fuck out and well enjoy final year!