Deleted.

An indiscriminate combination of:

• "I don't really like you" 
• "We never really talk in real life"
• "We never really talk in the virtual world" (or a combination of both)
• "We haven't attempted to converse in the longest time" 
• "I haven't spoken to you in years (and quite frankly, would like to keep it that way)"
• "Our wall conversations never really expanded beyond 'Happy Birthday'" 

are the reasons why at this time of writing, I have at least 100 less Facebook "friends."

Some of the deleted were closer than others (and some of the "friends" were mere fan pages). Either way, I have grown weary of the numbers game. I'm pretty certain there are a few more that can be deleted too, but in time.

Don't take it personally though, you neither miss me nor have a genuine interest in my life (and the feeling is mutual.)

If you do feel hurt, I assure you, the feeling of indignation will be short-lived.

-Chokobo-

Refreshed

I guess all that was needed was my long overdue return home.

Seeing my family, old friends and the haunts I've grown up with, in addition to embracing the form of socialising I have longed for in so long, has seen me wake up with a genuine smile on my face for the first time in ages.

I hope this translates into renewed enthuasiasm for the push to the finish line.

Onwards!

Chokobo | チョコボ

Unsociable

I'm beginning to feel incredibly unsociable in my life.


Between simmering with unjustified resent for fellow students and only leaving the house for journeys to classes, the corner shop or (rarely) out of this city, I realise that I focus very little effort on actually being "sociable."

To be frank, I have little desire to make any new friends out of students, since my focus is just on passing my exams and fucking off out of this student bubble. The version of being social that I envisage is hampered by two factors, the first of which involves my equating of socialising with (a degree of) alcohol consumption- I've given up alcohol in my first ever real attempt at Lent, not that I was a heavy drinker or anything. I can hack going to the pub and not drinking, as I have done on merely a handful of occasions even before Lent, but as far as bars and (my currently unfavoured location) clubs are concerned, being there without alcoholic beverage in hand is just a no-no.


The second factor, as ever, concerns money, in that it is not fiscally viable for me to justify any regular expenditure on reaching inebriation, or even just having a light tipple. It's a convenient excuse I suppose, but when I realise that on a typical night out, I would spend as much as I do during my fortnightly food shop at Leeds city centre's market hall, I suddenly don't feel so bad for it. In addition to this, in choosing not to have a job this semester in order to concentrate on my work, I have even less means by which to socialise in that sense. It's not even just about being able to go out to drink either, as even regular trips to restaurants and the cinema are a big ask out of my bank balance.

I guess I'm a little annoyed at me for allowing my lifestyle to come to this, though choosing to do a joint honours language degree was always going to require a bit more of my time, and not having any money saved prior to each semester was always going to be a factor.

But then I do spend hours talking into the twilight hours with my housemates, in a way which simply would not be possible elsewhere. And I am not bound by the need to be out for it's own sake. I'm quite happy within my four walls, admitting and dismissing people at pleasure.

I can't honestly say that I miss that lifestyle from three years ago, but I do miss having the freedom to choose to do it.

Then again, I much prefer defining socialising on my own terms, in an environment where I can actually interact with a person I wish to talk to, as opposed to barely being able to hear them in conversation in a noisy environment.

Suddenly, the popular definition of being "sociable" has become dubious.

-Chokobo-

Academic success!

Despite the Japanese listening total fail, I received 80 in my Japanese literature module and have got a conditional offer from King's College London. Huzzah!

at the risk of slander...

Japanese department fail!

And you thought England was cold...

Exams are over, I have finally left my hovel of a room and I'm going to Berlin tomorrow, where the daytime temperature is -12 degrees. Yikes!

Palpitations galore.

So, I intended to have an early night tonight and within half an hour of closing my eyes, I jolt awake and am greeted with palpitations. Only God knows why I suddenly had a feeling of anxiety. I've had no obligations this week whatsoever, in fact, it could not have been a more counter-productive/non-eventful week, with the exception of my 7 hour stint at the pub on Tuesday, but that was purely down to catching up with an old friend who I hadn't properly spoken to in 2 years...

I've attempted to re-arrange my room in attempt to try and distract myself since it was kind of getting messy and have opened my windows to let some much needed cold (and disputably "fresh") air in.

I'm wondering if it is anything to do with the fact that my second and final semester of my life- in theory- starts this coming Monday and I'm beginning to think more and more about what the fuck is going to happen beyond graduation day.

I can't really suppress the thought of it, and I am worried about what my classification will end up being. I've been trying not to think about it too much, but I had the misfortune of a certain somebody reminding me that I haven't done as well as I ought to have done in my time here- you know who you are. 

I am hoping for some type of wondrous miracle this semester so I can prove to myself I'm not a complete retard, and that I will in turn not be condemned to a life of menial jobs.

Pointless worrying about that now though, I need to get through the rest of today yet.

I'm hoping not to waste today, as I have done the rest of the week. I need to stop regretting this though, since spending time regretting shit is what I've been doing for 3 and a bit years.

It's time to move on and make do with what I have.

Lord knows I can't ask for any time back.

Chokobo | チョコボ

Fear

World. I am genuinely beginning to fear for the future.

Where the fuck has my childhood ambition gone?

I don't know what will become of me at this rate...

Chokobo | チョコボ

Translation Party

Translation Party

Stingy month: week 1

The results are in for week 1!

So far, Graeme has spent £34.69.

I have spent £63.92.

This consists of:
- £16 on flights to Berlin
- £10.73 on junk food/snacks
- £1.70 on a bus fare
- £27.01 on three birthday presents
- £8.48 on a CD for me.

Therefore I must spend less money on crap food, holidays and music. However, I am going to London tomorrow, which does not bode well...

Income includes £10 that I found on the floor, and £5.55 my mum gave me for a train ticket.

Stingy month begins!

So here are the rules for mine and Graeme's competition to spend as little money as possible in November:

1) Only money spent during the month counts, ie. electricity or water bills that have been prepaid don't count.
2) Rent doesn't count.
3) Heavily relying on the generousity/lending of friends will be seen as 'not in the spirit of the rules'.
4) Our own accounts of our spending will be official.
5) We are allowed to ask for details of each other's spending.
6) We each should publish a weekly total.
7) Cheques count on the day they are written.
8) Income cannot be deducted from expenditure, but can be taken note of for side interest.
9) The prize has something to do with German Christmas markets.

As I will update this every Monday, I'll give my lowdown for yesterday here:
1/11/09 - £16 on return flights to Berlin

How depressing...

This morning in our Japanese literature class we watched one of the most upsetting films I've ever seen - I actually wanted to cry when it had finished. It was Oshima Nagisa's Cruel Story of Youth, and I know Oshima is meant to be this cool, edgy director, but I have no idea what exactly he was trying to say with this movie. It was basically a lot of woman-beating, rape (and then the victim falling in love with her rapist), prostitution, forced abortion, some more rape and woman-beating then a nice violent death to top it all off. The main female character had no autonomy whatsoever, was saved from being raped by a guy who then raped her and then put her in more situations where she could have been raped so that he could 'save' her. The complete objectification and lack of any kind of respect for all the female characters was deeply troubling. I was planning on watching Alain Resnais' Night and Fog afterwards for my homework, but I think that's enough depressing stuff for today.

In other news, Pau is no longer offered as a term-abroad option, because it is shit. Yeah.

I'm not dead

I am still here! Fun times have been had in Dublin, two forms of employment have been found and a throat infection has been overcome!

The month of November will be my so-called 'Stingy Month' - I'm having a competition with my friend Graeme to see who can spend the least money in November. There will be weekly updates with full financial breakdowns, how exciting!

Doppelganger

Doppelganger. Noun. A ghostly double or counterpart of a living person. (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/doppelganger)

Fortunately, the doppelganger in question is neither my own nor that of any relatives or close friends; to which I breathe a sigh of relief. 

And in all fairness, the doppelganger in question doesn't look even remotely like the person I think he is similar to.

However,  the very voice, mannerisms and work-ethic of this individual, conjure up thoughts of a horrible bastard who I had the misfortune of crossing paths with during my year in Japan. The resemblance of character- and as I have just come to learn from my house mate, apparent affinity of hobbies- leads me to the conclusion that this individual is at least, the spiritual doppelganger of the aforementioned horrible bastard. 

My house mate has gotten to the know the spiritual doppelganger in question, and has informed me that he does indeed share traits with the horrible bastard, but unlike he, has a soul and is genuinely a nice guy, and doesn't have a phallus on his forehead.

And that news, is great news.

But if the legend of doppelgangers is true, here's hoping that this doppelganger and the horrible bastard meet face to face, and that the horrible bastard fades away. 

Chokobo | チョコボ 

When did we all become so middle class?!?

Seriously. Not only is everyone coupled up and living with partners, we've also had a superfluous number of dinner parties in the past fortnight. With handmade sushi nonetheless. And colour coordinated plates and napkins. It's like we've aged 10 years in six months. And they're turning into 'couples' dinner parties! I only have three single friends left... dear Lord.

I honestly didn't think I'd feel like this until I was in my late 30s.

The wait it over (after interview number four.)

Was it the short hair?

Was it the slick shirt?

Or was it my ability on the day?

The truth, we'll probably never know. But one thing I do know is this: that after 2 months and a few weeks of waiting, I am finally employed. 

Whatever it was, the need to make money overrides the "sacrifices" made.

Chokobo | チョコボ

Temporary Wallowing

I can't even lie about it.

She's been gone only a few hours and I already miss her like crazy. 

She'll be back in a few months for a short time, and God willing, I'll be able to fly out to see her before then.

This wallowing better had only be temporary! I swore to myself that I wouldn't get all soppy about it!

I'm sure that the both of us will be busy enough for time to fly by until we meet up again.

Until then, I hope she has a great time out there.

:-)

Chokobo | チョコボ

Making the most of having fuck all to do

I would just like to point out how utterly wonderful and liberating it is to not have to do a single thing in the world. After a summer of working sixty-hour weeks for a bunch of heartless wankers (the parents, not the children), wiping kids' arses and cleaning toilets, there's a certain joy to be had in knowing that, for a few weeks at least, there is nothing pressing to be done. Of course, I could start revising some Japanese or reading the texts I'm studying this year, and I really should find some kind of job, but for now I am utterly content just to stay in bed until the early afternoon reading books, or taking two-hour baths surrounded by candles and bubbles, or catching up with all my friends that I was so cruelly separated from for five months. With a fridge stocked by the purse of Mama and Papa, and almost enough money left in my overdraft until the loan comes through, life is good.

I'm also feeling way more positive and optimistic than I was, say, six months ago. I think the time in France away from everything gave me a chance to sort out a lot of the built-up, unnecessary anger and frustration I had inside me (it really was unnecessary). Also, being in a situation where I never knew what was going to happen in the next 15 minutes (let alone the next couple of days!) and moving house and job at least three times has made me waaaay more relaxed than I was. This is a very good thing, especially for counteracting my inner (or not-so-inner) control freak. Dare I say it, I may have even become a little bit more mature! So, despite the rather large amounts of crappiness that I had to put up with as part of my au pair job and the three months in Pau-gatory, I would say that all in all France was a success for me, personally if not financially! And now I can hopefully chill the fuck out and well enjoy final year!

Pre-final year blues.

"Sorry, I'm not a fresher."

"Sorry I'm not a fresher."

These, the words of my quick fire response to being hounded to join a society of some description, whilst I walked back through campus on my way home.

What I'm certain of are the words that I spoke.

What I'm not certain of (now) is where the emphasis lay in the utterance...